How do I deal with my secret desire on my college campus?

How To Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s unknown!

dear how to do it,

I am a 22 year old female in college. I’m not interested in sex right now because of 99 other issues, but I have this sexual fantasy that really freaks me out in the aftermath of colleges rocked by rape and sibling scandals.

Basically, I want to completely give myself to a man during sex. I mean mind, body and soul, do whatever you want with me. There is very little that I don’t want to try at least once, and there are many that I really like: vaginal, oral, anal, sub/dom stuff, sexy pictures, phone sex. Of course I have limits, but again, very little hardcore stuff. Nothing excites me like the idea of ​​offering myself on a plate to a man I trust – whatever he wants I will give, because I want to be so bad.

But then again: sex scandals. I go to a small liberal arts college; The boys and girls here are adorable. State college is two hours away? Not much. Lots of drunken students share photos, share videos, rape cases, girls who had to go home with their parents because of the trauma. Personally, I lost my high school classmates to the fallout from a sex scandal. I’ve worked through this and have the support I need from family and friends. But all this makes me fear my imagination.

I guess what I’m asking is, in the age of #MeToo and bystander interference programs, new rules for fraternal parties (all very necessary and important), and I’ve always had to watch my back and say no just to beat up some little brain boy lizard, so how the hell am I supposed to deal with this fantasy? Like what if I want to give the guy what he wants, because I want him, but I also want trust and respect? Sometimes I feel I have to choose between respect from a man and this fantasy. Why do I feel I should choose one or the other?

—Try college

Dear college try,

Your imagination is not unique. There is definitely potential for this to happen, if you decide that’s what you want to do. And you don’t have to choose in the broad sense, although it may take some effort to find a partner who respects you and who gives you the lack of control you want.

You say you don’t want to have sex with anyone at this time. This is 100% good. The nice thing about fantasies is that they are just thoughts – you don’t hurt anyone or put yourself at risk by thinking of scenarios.

BDSM, which seems to be what you describe, works in negotiation. Before sexual interaction (or “scene”) you talk about boundaries, limits, and desires. You discover where your desires coincide and agree on what will happen. This way, once the interaction starts, both of you know what’s good and what’s not. Confidence is a big factor here, especially if you are going to be restricted in any way. While it may be tempting to jump into giving yourself limitlessly, it’s wise and best to take the time and build trust over the course of several interactions – and to be clear, letting someone you don’t know well tie you down or restrict you in any way you can’t escape is dangerous.

Fantasies can also be a way of processing real-world events. I’ve seen people perform humiliation scenes based on hurtful comments they’ve received, as a way to convey the pain. Many women have fantasies of being raped. As long as you are careful not to put yourself in risky situations, which you seem to be, I think you will be fine. It may be helpful to write about your conflicting feelings – ask yourself the question you asked me, and see what you come up with. You may find that you fantasize about binary categories, or that you worry about creating a precedent with a guy. Rely on your fears and see if something useful becomes clearer to you. Good luck and God bless you.

dear how to do it,

I recently started seeing a girl with OCD and despite matching the negative STI results, she is uncomfortable without barriers (gloves, condoms, etc.) during sex. I’m fine with this, but I’d really like to go with her, who recently mentioned that she works out to feel comfortable with her (she has a great therapist). She says she would like to use a dental dam, but I am feeling overwhelmed. They don’t sell it at the drugstore or anything else, and the online options are hugely varied and they all seem to be flavorful (ew). How do I find a reputable brand? And how can I use one once I do that? My usually verbal approach is to…really get in there, and I suspect that’s not going to work here. I want to have fun and I want her to feel safe because she’s never done that before, but there seem to be a lot of ways it can go wrong. The internet says you can cut off unlubricated condoms, but I don’t know where to find it either. Can you help me navigate this?

—Walled Off

Dear Walled Off,

Crosstex makes an unflavored latex dental dam available through Amazon. Non-lubricated condoms, such as Trojan ENZ Non-Lubricated, are available at many large drugstore chains. As for use, you will have to experiment. Dams do not necessarily prevent penetration of the tongue – they are stretchable. The sensation is different than barrierless oral sex, with a more diffuse effect, so you’ll want to try different stimuli and see what works best for your partner. This is a great opportunity to practice communication.

Try not to overthink, try the sense of play. You have this.

I have the perfect solution for my husband’s desire to have sex all the time – but there is a change

really?

dear how to do it,

As a woman in my late twenties, I was in high school at the time of the “internet pornography boom.” At first it was “One Night in Paris”, the Paris Hilton sex tape, and then the Kim Kardashin sex tape that everyone watched. The message I received as a teenage girl was: You have to look perfect to enjoy sex.

It didn’t help for my male friends to refer negatively to a woman’s body by saying things like “she has pepperoni nipples” (referring to large areolas) or “curtains of flesh” in reference to the larger outer labia folds. Pictures of perfect bodies combined with hearing negative things about imperfect bodies makes me more aware of my body. I didn’t experience oral sex until my mid twenties and it took a partner who was very confident and willing to keep trying to get comfortable. Once I got comfortable with this partner, I really enjoyed oral sex. I am now in a long-term relationship with a different partner, and am very uncomfortable with oral sex due to my fear that I don’t look perfect there. My self-awareness is the point where I thought about some sort of surgery because one side of my vagina has a larger outer labial fold than the other.

In all honesty, I haven’t watched a lot of porn, but from what I’ve seen, most vaginas look the same. No external labial folds. I hate feeling embarrassed about my body. I hate not feeling comfortable enough to enjoy something as wonderful as oral sex. What do you suggest I do? Should I try to get over it and embrace my body as it is? Am I incorrect or overreacting to think that most vaginas in porn look incredibly similar?

– I’m afraid down there

Dear SDT,

I think you should take a look at the vulvas selected for wholesale breeding and sold by Fleshlight. You will see my private vulva, with asymmetric inner labia, and many other examples. You can also check out Make Love Not Porn to see body and blood representations of the vulva, and Instagram for art performances. These are all clues that your face is probably good in the range of appearances for vulva. I don’t expect you to find an exact match, but I think you might be relieved to see different examples.

More practically, would turning off the lights help you feel more comfortable? I wonder if knowing you can’t be seen might help you reduce anxiety about what you look like. Mostly, though, yes, you will have to learn how to embrace your body. Spend some time in front of the mirror and focus on the parts of your body that you value. When your attention shifts to a part you don’t like, refocus on what you like. That feeling of pride and joy in your own body should come from you, not how others treat you. Your friends were from high school… high school students. Presumably, the partners you’re with now are adults, and have a more mature experience of appreciating the bodies of the people they’re having sex with. If they are not, the problem lies in their narrower ideas of what objects should look like than they actually do. Good luck and God bless you.

dear how to do it,

I’ve been seeing my partner for nearly three years. We always have some kind of problem in the bedroom. I’m petite, which is on the bigger side in terms of height and weight. I’m also inexperienced in the bedroom, and it seems because of that we don’t have as much variety as he would like. On top of everything else, I’m less interested in sex in general compared to it, so our sexual drives are rarely in sync. When we’re in the bedroom now, I only participate because he wants to get that version, and I’ve given up on the fact that I’m going to have an orgasm or even try to do what I want, because I’ve noticed I have a better time when there’s more interference than between his legs, if That makes sense. When I ask him to try something, he either has no idea what I mean and I don’t have the energy to explain it, or he seems to not understand on purpose and does it in a way that hurts me more than it brings me pleasure.

I feel… stuck. More so because I love him, and I think we have more than just our messy sex lives, but he’s a sexual person and I stopped feeling like I was giving him what he needed for a while. Any advice?

-related

Dear stuck,

This looks bleak. Loving someone doesn’t mean they are good to you, and when you describe your man it seems like that intentionally It misunderstands you and then hurts you, it seems like it could be bad for you. He seems to be self-indulgent and stingy. You don’t mention one positive thing other than the vague fact that you love him, and I think that tells you something crucial.

More on how to do it

My husband and I have a wonderful relationship, and I love him very much. A few months ago, at my suggestion, we started trying threesomes (with another woman) and have really enjoyed it so far. It brought us closer – it gave me a chance to explore this side of my sexuality – and it was a really fun and positive experience. But we have limits, and recently, the most important thing in front of me has broken.

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