[Narrator] Today we’re going to watch Megan
and Lauren review their friend Rebecca’s paper about a little boy’s Christmas. Let’s
get inside their heads to see what they’re thinking as they read her paper. First we’ll go to Megan. [Megan] It was Christmas day. Danny knew that from the moment he first opened his eyes. Eager
seeing what Santa brought him, [wa-wait, this should be ‘eager to see’ ] what Santa brought him. little Danny tried to jump out of bed and fell to the ground and rushed downstairs in anticipation of all the toys he knew Santa would have left for him. [Wow, ok that’s long] Danny had asked for a scooter, a Wii, Guitar Hero, and a Spider Man motorcycle. [some of this is kinda long and confusing, like this sentence right here, this sentence is really long and I think she could add a lot more by putting in some descriptive adjectives] [maybe right here and right here] [but you know this is all just her writing so oh I’ll just leave it the way it is, she can change it if she wants to] [or if not, it’s fine] Narrator: Megan’s not doing a very good
job at responding to her peer’s paper. She only focused on grammatical errors rather than organization, and the overall effect of the paper, She thinks it’s a little dry and unclear,
but she’s reserving criticism for fear of hurting her friend’s feelings. So let’s see how Lauren does. [Lauren] It was Christmas day. [hmmm, what kind of Christmas was it? Some descriptions could really make this come to life] Danny knew that from the moment he first opened his eyes. Eager seeing [oh, no eager “to see”] Eager to see what Santa brought him, little Danny tried to jump out of bed and fell to the ground and rushed downstairs in anticipation of all the toys he knew Santa would have left him. [Ok, this is kind of long. First of all…] [fast paced music plays as Lauren races through the paper, making notes on all she sees] [Lauren] That makes more sense. [Narrator] All right see how Lauren addresses surface level grammar but also attends to bigger issues like descriptions and organization? She just spent more time thinking of ways to help. [Narrator] And now it’s time to listen to Megan and
Lauren give their friend Rebecca some feedback. So did you look at my paper? Yea there’s just a couple of things,
not much at all. This verb right here, this should be “to see.” It just doesn’t sound right when you say “eager seeing” what Santa brought him so eager to see sounds a lot better um, and then yea this sentence is kinda of long but you know what you mean, so that’s ok. never mind, you really don’t need to change anything it was kinda of long but that’s really ok. um And I didn’t know what you meant here so maybe just go back and look at that. Ok, yea Um.. Oh and down here you need quotation marks. ok whenever someone talks….yea but I mean yea, that was about it. really? yea lets’s see, um at the very beginning when you talk about Christmas I think it would really make it come to life if you told me what kind of Christmas it was. Are you talking about time periods? Was it early on Christmas day, or was it an exciting Christmas? Give me some sort of descriptive words that make that… Oh yea! …more understandable Um, There’s just a couple of grammatical things, this needs to be ‘to see’ instead of ‘eager seeing’ Down at the very bottom you missed some quotation marks, so I just drew those in for you and a couple of times you used the word ‘and’ repetitively, like right here and then and down here so I changed this one to then because I think it makes more sense to say jump out of bed and fell to the ground, then rushed downstairs so it’s sequential. Then down here down the stairs he stopped abruptly because there was only 1 gift under the tree. not ‘and’ This is more cause and effect that way. Let’s see ‘fell to the ground’ Why did he fall to the ground, is he just in an awkward growing stage? Did he trip and fall? [Rebecca] Yea Yea he tripped and fell [Lauren] But why? I don’t know… Well, tell me. Because if I’m reading it and I don’t know why he fell to the ground, I’m going to get stuck right there and go Why did he fall on the ground, so think about that Also this sentence here, I think it would work better way down here, it seems to make more sense to me and then, oh just up here, “Danny had asked for a scooter, you don’t really need the ‘had’ same thing with he knew all that, you don’t really need that first ‘that’ So that was all the stuff I found, what do you think? Yea great! you’ve been very helpful. Thank you so much. Oh no problem, anytime you need some help. [Narrator] As we saw Lauren gave a much more
helpful peer response than Megan, in what she wrote and in her explanation to Rebecca.
Her suggestions were very thorough and she gave reasons to back them up. The next time
you work with your classmates remember to focus on the big picture.